8 Things Your Wife Does When You’re Not Around

Whether I’ve walked in at a random time of the day and caught my wife in the act, or I hear about the activities after the fact, there are certain things I know my wife is doing when I’m not around. Most of them just endear her to me and make me love her all the more for her quirks. While others… well, others are just downright weird. But that’s cool, I like weird. And I’m totally comfortable with the knowledge that I married a weirdo, because that compliments my weirdness perfectly!

She talks to inanimate objects and pets

I’m not sure if this one is out of boredom or whether she hears voices in her head, but I’ve caught her talking to appliances when I’m in the other room and she’s confessed to entire conversations she’s had with our pets. When she describes it, she’s certain the cats understand her and that they’re happy to listen, but I’m pretty sure they just think she’s losing her mind.

She Dances Even Though She Claims She Can’t Dance

This one is tough for me. Because I love to watch my wife dance. But it usually takes a few drinks before she’s comfortable enough to let down her guard and really cut loose. But I’ve spied her dancing when she doesn’t think I’m watching and even though she thinks she has no rhythm and looks awkward, I can assure you that she’s sexy as hell no matter what she’s doing and I wish she’d cut a rug more often when I’m around.

She Talks To Me… Not In The Nicest Way. And Responds in an unflattering voice

Again, this is one that I’ve had to catch her doing without her knowing. But I’ve heard her asking things like, “Why on earth would you not soak this frying pan?” And then she’ll answer as if I’m having a conversation with  her. But my voice is always sounds about 10 times dumber than I really do and my answers are much less well-thought out. For instance, “Uh… I don’t know. I guess I wanted to sit on my ass and watch TV.”

Really sweetie? That’s what you think I’d say? Ah well, I love her anyways!

She Brags About Me

This is one that’s really positive and I love it. Friends and family are constantly coming up to me saying, congrats on this or I  heard you did this. It’s always positive stuff and when I ask how they found out, they let me know my wife was bragging about me. It’s awesome to know she’s my cheerleader to my face, but when she’s doing it when I’ll never hear it, that’s just awesome and makes me love her like crazy.

She Farts, Burps, Poops With the Door Open, etc…

My wife is a beautiful creature. But she’s also human. And when I’m not around, man alive does that human side come out in force. I think all women love the chance to not upkeep the trappings of being a delicate flower, because I’ve talked to my guy friends and they say their wives do this too. But once the house is empty, every bodily function is public and there are no rules.

Mind you, I do the same thing. And I do hold back when she’s around. But she just has a much bigger range of what I see vs what I don’t see.

She Cries… Like, for no reason at all

I’ve come home before to my wife red-eyed and sobbing. In a panic I’ll ask her if she’s okay, if someone died, if there’s something wrong. But she’ll just shake her head and claim that nothing is wrong.

At first I thought this was her doing the typical, “it’s nothing, I’m fine,” that all husbands know about. But after a few times and us talking about it, I’ve come to realize that she really does just have a good cry sometimes because it feels good. She says that sometimes its stuff as silly as an ASPCA commercial showing animals that are sad. She’ll feel the tears coming and then just embraces it and has a big sobbing cry. She says it makes her feel great and that it’s not because she’s depressed or anything.

Again, this is an emotional spectrum I just can’t tap into, but it’s kind of cool she’s able to do it.

She Walks Around Naked

After you’ve been married for a while, you’ll notice that catching a glimpse of your wife naked is like spotting a unicorn in the wild. It’s rare, some will claim it’s not real, but when it happens, it’s magical.

And when I press my wife on this and ask her why she doesn’t walk around naked as much as I do (way too much… even I’m admitting that) she’ll say it’s because she’s just more comfortable clothed or she doesn’t want me getting any ideas when there’s things to be done.

But man… when no one is home, she’ll spend hours “getting ready” in the nude. I’ve actually never caught her doing this because she’s too quick to jump into a towel. But when she describes it to me after the fact, I realize that I’ve got to start coming home unexpectedly and sneak in the house more often.

She sings loud… And terribly.

My wife has a pretty decent voice. But that’s because she “stays in her lane” when it comes to singing. She’ll only go after the notes she can hit and she won’t try and sing songs that are outside of her range. But when I’m not around, holy smokes… She whips out the Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, and Mariah Carrey albums and goes to town. God bless her, she can’t hit any of the notes. But sure as shooting she’s belting them out at the top of her lungs and cracking her voice as she misses every beautiful note.

Man… I love her!